Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
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Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
we all know this pain all too well
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”