WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
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ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
FINE, I WON’T.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Software Development ⛵️
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening