WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
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Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes