Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
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My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.