Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don鈥檛 count.
Me: 馃
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I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 馃槶
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You鈥檙e scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don鈥檛 want them to jump on you.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Me: I feel like I鈥檓 wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
My prescription isn鈥檛 ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Parenting sometimes feels like you鈥檙e an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won鈥檛 stop texting me.