Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
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My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.