WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
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[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*