Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
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[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
i can’t wait that long
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.