WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
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Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted