wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
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Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve