Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
You Might Also Like
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Legend 🤣🤣
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Knock Knock
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters