WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
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Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.