Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
You Might Also Like
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.