WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

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Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake


Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.


The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.



ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that


Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.


WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working


The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven


I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.



So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler


Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.