@TeaAndCopy

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

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@JohnLyonTweets

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

@LoveNLunchmeat

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

@TheCatWhisprer

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

@thetits

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

@gobmentcheese

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

@TheHyyyype

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

@Chhapiness

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

@robin_991

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

@OakHill_

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

@zachary_lampley

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.