WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
You Might Also Like
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch