WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
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Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell