Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
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Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.