Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
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Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.