Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
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[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Morning my dudes.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels