Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
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[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
pictures of spider-man
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
this is so top tier i cant
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
the short answer to this question
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh