Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
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My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight