Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
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Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
did it work
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
We’ve come full circle
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.