Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
You Might Also Like
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
what’s really going on
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,