WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
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Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Well, this is awkward
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.