Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
You Might Also Like
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time