WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
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European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
This is always good for a laugh.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me