Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
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8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.