wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
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I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Breaking news:
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Ferrari squats
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.