Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
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People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
So that’s what we looked like?
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction