Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
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Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I’m already scared
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week