Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
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[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?