WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
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coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
uncle dave has been through hell
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.