WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
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My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Just a friendly reminder!
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…