Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
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What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.