WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
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I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???