WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

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[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster


El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.


Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.


i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.


I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.


*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see


Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!


Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel


Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know


Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.


Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….