Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
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HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.