Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
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Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.