Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
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TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.