wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
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Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart