Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
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Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Morning.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s