WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
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It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat