@a_simpl_man Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
@WetzelGeek Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
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@a_simpl_man 
@NickSwardson Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
@Brampersandon_ (Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
@SCBamaMan *driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
@OhNoSheTwitnt This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
@HiddenPinky How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
@Hobo_Splendido Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
@Kateness8 Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
@QwertyJones3 [Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
@Girliegurll My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.