Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
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My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
podcasts
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first