Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
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What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*