Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
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It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.