Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
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[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
They did not think through this water fountain
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin