Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
You Might Also Like
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history