Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
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When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
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s
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”