Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
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The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.