Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
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Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.