Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
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My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Coffee for people with no kids
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.