wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
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Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup