Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
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I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”